Sometimes I feel so much doubt. I catch myself swimming in a mind of confusion questioning my choices and fearing that I’m wasting my energy on running a small business and maintaining a space where so few people enter.
After Covid, we have struggled to maintain our existence and there has been so much loss. Students have gone, teachers have left with health issues, and I miss my sweet Michael as the first anniversary of his passing is coming up on Dec. 6.
It’s been a challenging year for so many and inspiring new students to enter has been nothing short of frustration. Am I wasting my vital energy when the rent has gone up and the inflation of life has taken a toll on our costs? Do I have the enthusiasm to inspire healing during this dark season? These are my deeper doubts that haunt me when I am not seeing clearly.
Darkness is not evil, it is only confusion that leads to poor choices. When the light is on and the clarity is revealed, there becomes a solid knowing of what is the right action.
Yesterday, I had the most extraordinary gifts presented by a student. When I least expect anything, I was humbled with the kindness of a student. She walked in and gave me a special hug. I have not seen her in weeks, and her appreciation was medicine for my soul. She shared that my blog was a healing voice for her. When I think no one is ever reading another email, I am reminded that my words might just find a soft landing into someone’s open heart. She told me that she felt my words were that exact language of her soul.
In that moment, I was gifted with clarity. If something of my heart can help one other soul, then all is right with the world. I am reminded that I never need to reach masses, but to connect one-on-one is for me the blessing of being human. My deep desire in sharing these teachings is experiencing the pulse of someone who is sharing their deepest fears by offering them a safety net in listening. This is my joy.
On the same day, I found a note on my desk. A student had taken the time to share her gratitude for YAF and honored me with the kindest of words. She acknowledged the hardships of maintaining a small business in these times of competition and rising costs. She herself maintains her own business. The letter was so heartfelt and much needed. I love teaching. I love being of service, and yet, when in doubt, I am taken into confusion. Her letter reminded me that together we can rise above the potholes of life and turn our light on to see clearly.
This season, we all must be gentle and kinder and make an effort to turn our own light on. When in darkness, we might experience feeling isolated and think we are invisible. We must remember that we are all doing the best we can and honor the small places in our hearts to keep shining. We just need to be reminded and so I thank all the teachers at YAF. I thank the students who do keep coming back each day for their practice, and I thank the teachings of yoga that support me in awe and wonder to the miracle of the Divine in all of us.
Doubt is a wildfire and spreads to all areas of our lives. To feel the strength of a steady mind and a still mind, the light reveals a path of “knowing.” In gratitude for my practice, I can write these words, let go, and trust all is peaceful in my heart today. Let us keep the light shining as we continue into the holidays and the end of 2023.
Blessings for all abundant heath and happiness!
Laura Jane
