I have been keeping my opinions to myself as I have been feeling more emotionally unstable and I am not a fan of saying things I will regret. I have been experiencing physical security that I have not had for years. I am not wondering when my next pay day will be or how I will pay my rent next month.
I have built a routine for myself and my son, and this is leading me to have space to mull over the stored experiences of the past few years. It’s a very interesting experience to be suddenly washed with powerful emotions that do not fit within the experience that I am currently living.
I am blessed by both my past self for taking initiative and pursuing lifestyle, movement, self expression, and meditation. Now as I process seemingly random emotional responses I know how to pause, say less, and express my experience to my trusted people.
I really deserve to celebrate myself, yet when I think of celebrating myself it’s all the people that have been at my side throughout my life that pop into my mind and my heart swells with love.
I realize in this life I am meant to draw attention to myself, as someone who carries the experience of being under oppression from more than just my own mind / choices. I was consistently reminded from the outside world that I am not worthy, and will never be.
I am noticing that as a child I chose to believe this and just tried to disappear and go as unnoticed as possible to never draw focus towards myself whenever possible. Then as a teenager I learned how to use the shield of I am actually better than others, and I saw many of my indigenous peers use this method to survive living under colonial oppression.
We need to be too good for anyone or anything to avoid the feeling of being unwanted. A problem, the pain of being pushed out of the “community” is too immense for a child, or teenager to be able to process.
I feel that now in my life I have the stability, self-awareness, and support systems in place where I can begin to touch this place in myself. To realize that being grand was my way of avoiding a truth that was abused into me by systems of oppression.
The amount of work it took me to not just run from this pain, or to project it out to be the fault of the world and systems or anyone else took me my whole life up until this point. As well as the support of my family and my communities.
Humbling myself out of this place of being greater than feels similar to the fear of death and led to strong panic attacks. Now I need to figure out how to just exist in a way that honours me and my lived experience, while simultaneously remembering that while I am unique, I am not special.
This need to push others down so that we don’t need to face the humanity within ourselves is feeding into so many conflicts in the world today. The pain of feeling like we do not belong, are not needed / wanted requires deep humility and it hurts.
To anyone out there in survival mode, I see you, I know what it’s like to live in a deeply unstable world, and to have to fight to create some sense of stability, and security. Then at the same time have those around you give you advice on how to “get better” when they have never tasted the feeling of being unwelcome in society.
I am still mulling over these feelings, and if I feel threatened I will fall back into needing to feel better for safety. I am not looking to get rid of these feelings but to integrate them into myself as they are a part of my story, and a cherished part of who I am.
They are the reason I am trusted to carry the level of personal authority that I carry with me. I am not reliant on systems of oppression to give me power and authority, I had to learn how to cultivate my own inner authority and power.
Bipoc knows this work, the LGBTQ2S+ community knows this work, and people with disabilities know this work. There is an understanding of what it feels like to be under an unseen pressure to conform or get the fuck out!
I am seeing more people from these groups standing up, and taking roles in leadership and this is deeply important.
When you have felt what it feels like to live on the outskirts of society chances are you will know how to welcome those living out there into the community without feeling like you need to help them or fix them. They are often not the problem, they just are often in the way of “progress” and fast forward momentum.
So take this as a reminder to stop, listen, and be impacted. Dont produce results, ask lots of questions, push the pressure back to its source. Take space and allow yourself to be broken, hurt, and abused so that you can find that light behind that pain.
Written November 6th 2024